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ARE YOU KIDDING ME?: Missing wallet leads to panic, frantic search

Lots of things give us a momentary scare, but nothing like the fright we experience when we suddenly think we’ve lost our wallet. There is instant panic, followed by a frantic search.

When you think about it, why do we keep all our important stuff in one place, and why do we insist on dragging this one thing with us, everywhere we go? Because we have to. There’s no way around it. We need money when we go out, or if not actually money, than pretend plastic money like credit or debit cards, and if we don’t have that with us, then we still need our driver’s license in case the police pull us over and ask to see it, when they arrest us for shoplifting because we had no money. Then we need our health card, and Blue Cross card in case we break our leg while making a run for it from the police and then we need our Social Insurance card when we call a lawyer from jail.

Not to mention all the other stuff we keep in our wallets, like our new Tim Horton’s Rewards card, Air Miles Card, Plum Rewards card, HBC Rewards card, PC optimum card, and Sephora Insider card. And don’t forget our CAA card, Aeroplan card and library card. Also, the old pictures of our kids, we’ve had in there since 1986. And last but not least, the mitt full of change we need for parking meters, tips for the drive-thru and dimes for scraping off the grey gunk on scratch tickets.

I was minding my own business on this particular day, parking outside gym class when I got a call on my cell phone. It was hubby. Oh, oh. What have I done now?

“Hello?”

“Do you have my wallet?!”

“No. Why would I have your wallet?”

“Is it in the car? It must be in your car. I can’t find it anywhere. Look for me.”

“Okay.”

I look around and move a few things to look under stuff and check between the seats.

“I don’t see anything.”

“Are you looking properly?”

“I’m looking with my eyes, if that’s what you’re implying.”

“This is serious. Look again. And I know you. Move things, look under stuff and check between the seats.”

So even though I’ve just moved things, looked under stuff and checked between the seats, I do it again. And again, for good measure. I even open the glove compartment, look in cubby holes and get out of the car and look under the seats.

“Your wallet is not in this car.”

“Are you sure?”

Now I’m doubting myself, so I look again, despite the fact that I’m late for gym class.

“Seriously, John. I don’t think it’s here. Where did you leave it?”

“If I knew where I left it, it wouldn’t be lost now, would it?”

“Are you sure you checked everywhere in the house?”

“YES! Do you know what a pain it will be to replace all this? If I can’t find it, I’ll have to call Visa and cancel the card.”

“Oh, dear. Look, I’m sorry, but I have to go. I’ll help you look when I get home.”

So, I fret while marching, throwing weights around and hopping up and down. I hurry to the car when class is over and who’s standing by it but Hubby.

“Did you find your wallet?”

“Yes.”

I give a huge sigh of relief. “Thank goodness! Where was it?”

“In my jacket pocket.”

“What?! Wasn’t that the first place you looked?”

“It was the first place I looked.”

“That doesn’t make sense.”

“I looked in my black jacket hanging on the hook by the door, where I always keep it, but there was nothing in the pockets.”

“But you just said . . .”

“I found it in the black jacket underneath the black jacket on the hook, but I don’t recall putting two black jackets on that hook. Do you know anything about that?”

“NO!”

Always deny things to give yourself a minute to think.

“Are you sure?”

Now that I’ve had a minute to think, I do recall putting a random black jacket on the hook over his favourite black jacket because it was covering my particular hook and it shouldn’t have been there. So just great. Now this is my fault.

“It not like I committed a crime.”

“Just stop fussing with my stuff in future. I know where everything is.”

“No, you don’t. You didn’t know where your wallet was.”

Lesley Crewe is a writer living in, and loving Cape Breton. These are the meandering musings of a bored housewife whose ungrateful kids left her alone with a retired husband. Since all her pets have now died, she's very cranky. Her 11th book, Are You Kidding Me?! Chronicles of an Ordinary Life, (a collection of her various columns over the past twenty years), will be available in book stores in September 2019.

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